The Most Important Move

So here I am facing several choices in my life and i am not sure which way I will choose to go.I know my goals to get a team together and give others closure is so important in my life. So many cases to finish. When you have a traumatic event happen and never find closure I believe it either destroys you or becomes an obsession to right the wrongs. Most of the time i do okay not great or special in many areas but this is the only thing i have done right in my life. Now i have a team to help put together, relationships to discover and i will either lose myself, find peace, or just quietly do both. I know there are people who i dont even feel worthy to help but i also know God puts me where i am needed and when. Mistakes made years ago things i know God forgave me of, has turned into 

a different kind of beast growing arms and legs. So be careful what you do today you may pay for it the rest of your life.

Lets see update on work, check, update on love life, well thats another beast, people saying they love me who really have no idea who i am inside, who are lonely, empty, scared like all of us. At least for me i want someone there at night to hold me, I want to be their first and last thought. I want to constantly be growing and learning and happier because of them.

But its like i run the lonely hearts club, those who are praying something better comes along soon, those who would pledge to spend their lives with me who have no idea what deamons i have, why i wake up and go to sleep crying, why i wonder if i will ever be happy inside.

If my ghosts of another life are meant to strangle me. I can handle hurting but seeing pain i have inflicted not so great.

There are those i feel drawn to who will make do with me till something better walks through, and those who have an idea, a vision, of who they think i am.

But if they really had to fight a battle by my side would he be so glad to know i was there or a man who will be gone mentally long before he ever goes physically.

Its been a rough year, i am focusing on all things positive, and praying if i become a better woman he will see me, really see me warts and all, and would be always reminding me he has my back. Selfish i suppose. Getting health in check, getting my smile back literally and emotionally, waking up happy, going to sleep and feeling safe, protected, wanted, needed, loved, and desired yes even myself.

Whst would i give back? Laughter, goifiness, craziness but in a great way, learning, trials, good and bad results, but no matter the mistakes he woukd know i had hus back. I am a sucker for sweetness, the little things really matter. Being a lady, having it be appreciated, and he will act like a gentleman. The calls, the text, the not being able to kispend much time apart. 

Mostly feeling as if your really wanted there.To be tbe ONE. if someone said tomorrow are you ready to spend tbe rest of your life only being with this person its exciting not scary to just know that noone will ever get you like they do, that you will never again let the right one walk away.

Sometimes taking chances is the best part.

Sometimes challenges happen to show each other how your built inside.

I want to wake up excited to help, i want to have someone to have breakfast with, looking forward to dinner. Most of all i want.a man who envisions his waking, sleeping, everything he does he knows i love him. Okay health challenges well yeah tbey are there. 

My sweet mother and i found our way through a storm to each other. i am blessed to have her still. So i pray, i work hard, and i know that i will beat my 10,000 case mark.

And when my time comes i will say i got as many as i could.

i sure miss a few people in my life. My ghosts are just wanting to have me face the past and move on.

So many thoughts...more to come