11/11/2022


Some people make wishes when the clock hits 11:11

Today's date has me wishing I did not have to share this deep honesty.

But something has been nagging at me, telling me its time.


In my life I have hurt so many, way too many and I admit that unfortunately.

Growing up took way too long for my heart, for my mind, and looking back I hate that girl.

I hate all she did and who she was and its hard some days to realize it is me.

I feel as if I have had people all throughout my life show me grace, forgiveness, compassion

at times I should not have had any.

I also have had people who just led me by example and who for whatever reason they loved me

despite myself, despite who I was or even how I treated them or acted.

Those are the people who I want to address for a moment because they are why I changed.

At some point after hurting those closest to me in the worst way being my children something

snapped, came to attention finally.

I have had people who instantly came into my life and stayed, and at moments I did not

deserve them to. I had them love me, guide me, forgive me. The wisdom shared the 

talks, the hugs, the love, the chance for them to give grace, peace, love will never be 

forgotten, they taught me over and over again.

I had a couple who in a dark dreary moment when I did not know who I was gave me

their last name so I could start over again and find myself. They loved me considered me 

family and with patience, teaching me, loving me, praying for me gave me hope.

I had other angels who treated me like family, welcomed me into their lives

showed me what living right was truly about. 

There were moments I had people literally saved me when I felt as if the world should stop.

Most will never even know they saved me because it was a call, a word, a hug, a thought

of you can do this, or you are so different now things that kept me going.

My saving moment was my sweet mother who for years we did not see eye to eye.

To be fair here it was 97% my fault at least, we just could never find our place.

One day I decided it was time, time to be honest, to apologize, to pour my heart out 

to her and see what would happen. My mother being who she is and being someone I 

did NOT know gave me forgiveness, love, compassion, strength, and we began anew.

I know my father is happy and I could almost hear him say " It's about time girl"

We now have conversations I never thought we could, we hug, we cry, and the past

is there, the hurt caused cannot be erased but we both know our Heavenly Father can heal.

We know we are family, and we love each other, and we know the precious time we have had

is not wasted, will be cherished. My mom has seen me change and grow or I would hope she

would say that now. She has seen me find the job I was meant to be at and be happy.

She has seen me find love again, she has seen me be able to find my own dreams my own 

way and be okay on my own. 

I have seen her as a strong woman who is so smart, talented, creative and has ideas and 

thoughts I wish I would have listened to growing up. I have heard her heart, felt her pain

seen her strength, found her amazing and tender.

My daughter who gave me a chance to prove I am not who I was and can see me struggle

grow, change, and hopefully I am teaching her and her child new things.

She has taught me strength beyond measure, love, wisdom, humor, compassion and 

has taught me more than I could have ever taught her.

The pain I caused my family, my children, myself was unbearable most days still is.

This pain will never change, and it is meant to be a guideline for whatever is left of my life

I need to leave it better, I need to be better, I need to make amends, apologize, ask for forgiveness

I need to find a way to be able to leave something behind, to show my children and grandchildren

that I learned, I grew, I changed.

Repairing damage is not possible not really, building something new is something I hope for,

I pray nightly for a chance just a chance to show those I love I am not the past, there is more then

the worst moment of my life but only God knows what will come next.

Possibly those moments may come, maybe not till the other side, but what I want them to see

is that you are NOT your worst moment, your worst mistake, you can change, you can choose

to find a different path, to ask God to guide you home again.


I hope someday some of you reading this understand in your deepest heart you are one of the ones

who I am speaking of who taught me and loved me and I am eternally grateful

I hope you are proud of who I became, who I am becoming, or who I ended up being.

I hope you will be glad in the end you knew me.

I love you truly deeply, and you have my deepest thanks.

Jill

11/11/2022




 

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