Bring It On - My Life after Death- and back again...
In my lifetime there have been several moments when I said sometimes stupidly "Bring it on"
A part of me thought I was tougher,stronger, and had more courage then I really did.
I suppose when you survive something horrid you begin to feel like anything else is simply lesser.
I remember when I finally recovered after I broke my back thinking nothing could be worse then
the surgery, being in a body brace, and spending a year without being able to bend or move.
How wrong I was when I said to my son one night, well that was the worst thing I can imagine and I survived and am stronger so "Bring it On".
Well as most of us know you never tempt fate, as in my case it was just the beginning, as each broken neck, or whatever else happened, I would always say, heck I got through it, so yeah "bring it on"
Life handed me challenges that I could not imagine how over the years my heart would hurt 1000,000 times worse then anything physically I could have endured.
My body started to attack me, i could not figure it out, doctor after doctor, test after test.
You get told your crazy, your not strong, its just in your head. Every person I knew had an idea, an herb, a vitamin, I must have tried almost all of it hoping that whatever was wrong would just go away.
Then suddenly I spent more time in the hospital then out, so many different doctors, so many tests,
being asked repeatedly if I had done drugs, or if I could have been poisoned. Nothing made sense to
any of them other then my body was attacking me. I kept telling them I knew that things were getting
worse by the hour.
Then I remember not being able to breathe, my limbs hurt so bad I just cried and as the night
went on I remember telling my brother " I am going to die" and its not suppose to be now.
I felt my body slipping away from me, the doctors saying I needed to be put on life support.
I had no idea what that was, but I knew if I had a chance to live, it was whatever it is they were
going to do to me. Then they gave me a medicine, and I heard a voice say its okay Jill, you are going
to be okay. I remember because I could not talk before I slipped away the voice said Jill take my hand
and come with me, my brain was saying but wait I can not go anywhere. All I knew was I am fighting
for my life and you want me to go with you.
Then I suddenly can see the lights, I can hear people talking, and I looked down and saw them working on me. It did not hit me I was looking down at myself as that thought should seem really odd, but I was at peace, and I knew I had someone with me. Then i was told I would be back but for now I needed to
go with her. So I knew I was happy, because I did not hurt, I felt at peace, calm.
The next thing I knew I was where I could see so many people, to me hundreds if not thousands.
I asked where my family, loved ones were, I was told these are the people if you do not help them
you will have to answer to each of them individually. I remember saying that I would help them all but
I do not know how I am suppose to do that, I was told I would know how to do that later.
I remember feeling so loved, so just calm, at peace, then I understood, I asked if I was dead.
They said no, this was because you needed to come spend time with us first, now its time to go back.
All I could do was be confused, I am out of pain, I am at peace, calm, feel loved, happy, and you want
me to go back to where I feel extreme pain, but then I thought of my children, my family.
Then in a moment less then a second I wanted to go back and I was.
The thought in my head coming back to a body on life support where I cant talk, where I cant do anything but I took every ounce of my energy and according to the doctor, nurse, and my son, tears
came out. My brother said "Jill is still in there". They had just pronounced me deceased.
When I was taken off life support and started to be able to speak, I was confused, was it oxygen deprivation, did my brain snap? was I crazy? So many thoughts. But I knew in my heart I had changed.
Then we thought whatever it was that happened to me was a fluke, I was over it and was going to go get better. But I had a feeling I could not shake, I knew something was wrong, my body still hurt, I just could never seem to breathe right. And my muscles hurt worse, ever then they did before.
Charlie horses like I had never had before, my body was taking my life my ability to live, take care of my family, do the job I enjoyed. But I was not shaking the feeling as if what happened was real, and that I needed to be doing whatever it was I was suppose to do.
Then less then 2 months later, my body did it again, I could not breathe, my muscles were so bad I could barely walk. Back at the hospital the same thing happened again, only the second time I was alone, and I knew I was dying, I could feel it, and I knew when I felt the peace come over me that it was the same as before I could feel the other side calling me and then my muscles quit hurting and I could feel my spirit pulling away from my body.
Then I was seeing them again fighting for my life, I could see them use the pads on me, shocking me.
I was not scared, I was not afraid. But I heard my name being called, and I remember leaving.
I then was told things I will not share on here, they are sacred, but God's time and our time is different.
I was gone alot longer then the time here on earth, I learned things that changed my life forever.
Shortly after this episode my lung specialist made a comment to me asking if my muscles hurt.
I laughed, thought he was joking, then explained what I had been through, he said he knew what
was wrong, would run tests, and then explain it to me.
He went through my blood tests I had taken for the last 20 years that I had been complaining, and
he walked in my room with a nurse holding a sedative.
I knew then it was not good, I asked him to just explain then if I needed the sedative he could proceed.
He explained my body, all the muscles in my body were producing too much lactic acid. It would build up and my liver and kidneys were not filtering it. He stated that when it gets too high you go into organ failure and die. He explained that a normal level was between 1-2 and organ failure starts at a 5.
He said my levels were between a 5 and 9 and that even when I am okay my levels normally were running a 3 to 4 meaning it did not take much to put me over the edge.
He then explained that if I ever exercised again it would kill me, literally, then explained I had less then
3 months to live according to my past and according to what I had been through. There was nothing he
could do, no medicine, no doctors, he was speaking to specialists all over the world.
They sent my blood, muscle, etc to New York, sent things to the Mayo clinic, and asked people to help them, I was willing to be a guinea pig.
I tried herbs, vitamins, all sorts of concoctions, diets, even baking soda diluted in water, put in my veins which was so bad it was like being burned alive from the inside out.
My comment to him 8 years ago was I will be here a year from now and if I am do I get a steak dinner.
He laughed and said Lady if your alive in a year yes I will buy you a steak dinner.
Then shortly after being diagnosed it happened for the last time, well not the last time as I am still here but the last time I was declared dead. This time was what I Call the aha moment.
I was almost excited this time as my body was closing down, I knew the routine, I was going home,
and I knew how it was going to go.
This time I went faster to where I needed to be, I remember someone asking me if there was anything I had wanted to still accomplish on earth. I said I wanted to help those people, I wanted to see my girls graduate high school, maybe get married. Then I said that I wanted to "fall in love again the way I did when I met "Scott" and the next thing I knew there he was, looking as he did when he passed only happy and healthy. I remember wanting to run to him, to hug him, he stopped me.
He said I needed to return, that it was what I had agreed to do. I remember just being happy wanting to stay with him. He said that I was going to be happy again, I was going to fall in love again.
When I asked him how would I know he said because you will feel the same way you did when we
met and I remember begging him to stay.
He spoke to me that this would be my last time returning, that the next time I came I would stay.
but that he would not be the man I spent forever with.
We never married, so I thought it was because of that, he said "Come on Jill you know better" if we were supposed to be together forever the Lord would make it so.
He said that I should live every day to be the kind of woman that the right man would want, not just
for now, but forever.
Then he said I could stay, but because it was not my time, If I did again I would have to explain to all those people why I did not help them. And then he mentioned my children, and suddenly I have never wanted anything more then to be with them. He said goodbye, and said remember Jill be the kind of woman the right man will want. There was more said but it was between us, there was so many other things said and other conversations with other people but I am going to refrain for now.
Coming back the last time was different, I was so sad, depressed almost returning. I was so happy I saw Scott, but I also felt the pain of leaving the peaceful, calming, loving place and then coming back to trials, painful, and hard.
This last time was the changing of my life forever, I first of all asked my Heavenly Father every day to
help me, that if I had wronged someone please help me remember them one by one so I could at least
try and ask for forgiveness. Ok I think I actually said "Bring it On" because I knew when I died for the last time I wanted the least amount of thing on my mind as possible.
This began the purge as I call it, the time that I started remembering people I had wronged, things I had forgotten, no matter how small, I started finding people and saying I was sorry.
Some did not remember and were gracious and gave me forgiveness. Some laughed and said really? It was just something small, they immediately said let it go.
Others listened and said it was forgotten but my price was I will never be close to them again.
I had done all I could though, then there were the ones who said they would forgive but never forget.
And they could not tell me they forgave me, that they were hurt and the damage was done.
These were things perhaps small to some of you, but if they were in my heart, if God helped me remember they meant something. I believe the hardest part of this of all was my family.
Some relatives have thought things that are just ridiculous, some are blown out of proportion, and some things were my business, maybe not right but if I made it right with my Heavenly Father then it was
remembered no more and I had not hurt anyone, so whatever it was was private.
Some relatives thought I lied about being raped, my response is I would rather them think I was lying
then for them to believe the truth because it was too ugly. And I was not going to go back in time to convince them that the most horrendous thing really happened.
That moment changed my life, it was the spring board to me making bad decisions for years after that.
It is not anyone else's fault, it just was. I learned that I needed to forgive myself, that it was not my fault.
I have asked for forgiveness, I have begged people to allow me in their lives, but now I am okay.
I have learned that the things that happened so long ago, and I put it in my past. I also knew that
I would not spend my life reliving it, I would not keep going over things I had made right.
I also learned I could heal, I learned that our Heavenly Father gives you peace, and now I pray for those who wronged me, because I know when they have to answer for the past it will be horrid.
God will make it right, its in his court now not mine.
I only bring this up because at a family funeral recently I had someone ask me if I had changed my ways yet, it I was finally done screwing up. I responded with I do not know whatever it is you think
I did, but I would rather have you ask me point blank if I did something then to assume or imagine
who you think I am. Then I followed it up with would you want me putting your life under a microscope? I also told them I loved them, I told them that I forgave them and that perhaps they needed to ask God if it was their place to judge me. And I wish we knew each other for who we both were.
I also had people who had not been in my life for years who approached me, hugged me, and nothing needed to be said other then "I missed you, and am glad your back in my life"
Over my life just when I think things could not get worse, I have a moment of grace.
My beloved mother and I made peace, we shared things and I feel as if I have my sweet mother
in my life as never before. We are close and it brings me such closure. I know my father is happy, I know this is what he wanted. Our heavenly father knows how strong we are, he knows what are talents are, and what are weakness's are.
I am fighting to get my website back up, my company restarted so I can go back to doing what I was meant to still be doing. I miss doing genealogy, I miss doing probate, estate, I miss doing adoption reunions, missing people, I miss being me.
I see the pieces coming together, I see my strength building every day. My youngest 2 daughters graduated, one was married and had a beautiful baby girl, I feel strongly every day the pull to do what I promised to do.
Now if I were to ever whisper bring it on again it would be in the context of peace, happiness, closure.
Struggles define us, challenges shape us, trials mold us, and love heals us....(Jill F Bailey Quote)
I have done 9,987 cases I cant wait to get to the 10,000 case maybe have a party to celebrate.
I answer to only 2 people, myself and my heavenly father, every night in the mirror I tell him I tried today maybe I did not do as good as I should have, or I say hey I feel like I did really well today.
Every morning I let him know my mouth your words, if I am needed today then let me meet the people I am meant to meet.
I know it all may sound silly, go with the oxygen deprivation theory, but I was sent back with gifts
that have been proven to not be my "Craziness" and I was blessed to meet those who I was there at the right time to help, I always learn more from them then they could learn from me.
When I finally die the last time I hope my life motto will be on my headstone,
"Your never beat until you quit, I did not quit, I just changed course" (Jill F Bailey Quote)
More later
A part of me thought I was tougher,stronger, and had more courage then I really did.
I suppose when you survive something horrid you begin to feel like anything else is simply lesser.
I remember when I finally recovered after I broke my back thinking nothing could be worse then
the surgery, being in a body brace, and spending a year without being able to bend or move.
How wrong I was when I said to my son one night, well that was the worst thing I can imagine and I survived and am stronger so "Bring it On".
Well as most of us know you never tempt fate, as in my case it was just the beginning, as each broken neck, or whatever else happened, I would always say, heck I got through it, so yeah "bring it on"
Life handed me challenges that I could not imagine how over the years my heart would hurt 1000,000 times worse then anything physically I could have endured.
My body started to attack me, i could not figure it out, doctor after doctor, test after test.
You get told your crazy, your not strong, its just in your head. Every person I knew had an idea, an herb, a vitamin, I must have tried almost all of it hoping that whatever was wrong would just go away.
Then suddenly I spent more time in the hospital then out, so many different doctors, so many tests,
being asked repeatedly if I had done drugs, or if I could have been poisoned. Nothing made sense to
any of them other then my body was attacking me. I kept telling them I knew that things were getting
worse by the hour.
Then I remember not being able to breathe, my limbs hurt so bad I just cried and as the night
went on I remember telling my brother " I am going to die" and its not suppose to be now.
I felt my body slipping away from me, the doctors saying I needed to be put on life support.
I had no idea what that was, but I knew if I had a chance to live, it was whatever it is they were
going to do to me. Then they gave me a medicine, and I heard a voice say its okay Jill, you are going
to be okay. I remember because I could not talk before I slipped away the voice said Jill take my hand
and come with me, my brain was saying but wait I can not go anywhere. All I knew was I am fighting
for my life and you want me to go with you.
Then I suddenly can see the lights, I can hear people talking, and I looked down and saw them working on me. It did not hit me I was looking down at myself as that thought should seem really odd, but I was at peace, and I knew I had someone with me. Then i was told I would be back but for now I needed to
go with her. So I knew I was happy, because I did not hurt, I felt at peace, calm.
The next thing I knew I was where I could see so many people, to me hundreds if not thousands.
I asked where my family, loved ones were, I was told these are the people if you do not help them
you will have to answer to each of them individually. I remember saying that I would help them all but
I do not know how I am suppose to do that, I was told I would know how to do that later.
I remember feeling so loved, so just calm, at peace, then I understood, I asked if I was dead.
They said no, this was because you needed to come spend time with us first, now its time to go back.
All I could do was be confused, I am out of pain, I am at peace, calm, feel loved, happy, and you want
me to go back to where I feel extreme pain, but then I thought of my children, my family.
Then in a moment less then a second I wanted to go back and I was.
The thought in my head coming back to a body on life support where I cant talk, where I cant do anything but I took every ounce of my energy and according to the doctor, nurse, and my son, tears
came out. My brother said "Jill is still in there". They had just pronounced me deceased.
When I was taken off life support and started to be able to speak, I was confused, was it oxygen deprivation, did my brain snap? was I crazy? So many thoughts. But I knew in my heart I had changed.
Then we thought whatever it was that happened to me was a fluke, I was over it and was going to go get better. But I had a feeling I could not shake, I knew something was wrong, my body still hurt, I just could never seem to breathe right. And my muscles hurt worse, ever then they did before.
Charlie horses like I had never had before, my body was taking my life my ability to live, take care of my family, do the job I enjoyed. But I was not shaking the feeling as if what happened was real, and that I needed to be doing whatever it was I was suppose to do.
Then less then 2 months later, my body did it again, I could not breathe, my muscles were so bad I could barely walk. Back at the hospital the same thing happened again, only the second time I was alone, and I knew I was dying, I could feel it, and I knew when I felt the peace come over me that it was the same as before I could feel the other side calling me and then my muscles quit hurting and I could feel my spirit pulling away from my body.
Then I was seeing them again fighting for my life, I could see them use the pads on me, shocking me.
I was not scared, I was not afraid. But I heard my name being called, and I remember leaving.
I then was told things I will not share on here, they are sacred, but God's time and our time is different.
I was gone alot longer then the time here on earth, I learned things that changed my life forever.
Shortly after this episode my lung specialist made a comment to me asking if my muscles hurt.
I laughed, thought he was joking, then explained what I had been through, he said he knew what
was wrong, would run tests, and then explain it to me.
He went through my blood tests I had taken for the last 20 years that I had been complaining, and
he walked in my room with a nurse holding a sedative.
I knew then it was not good, I asked him to just explain then if I needed the sedative he could proceed.
He explained my body, all the muscles in my body were producing too much lactic acid. It would build up and my liver and kidneys were not filtering it. He stated that when it gets too high you go into organ failure and die. He explained that a normal level was between 1-2 and organ failure starts at a 5.
He said my levels were between a 5 and 9 and that even when I am okay my levels normally were running a 3 to 4 meaning it did not take much to put me over the edge.
He then explained that if I ever exercised again it would kill me, literally, then explained I had less then
3 months to live according to my past and according to what I had been through. There was nothing he
could do, no medicine, no doctors, he was speaking to specialists all over the world.
They sent my blood, muscle, etc to New York, sent things to the Mayo clinic, and asked people to help them, I was willing to be a guinea pig.
I tried herbs, vitamins, all sorts of concoctions, diets, even baking soda diluted in water, put in my veins which was so bad it was like being burned alive from the inside out.
My comment to him 8 years ago was I will be here a year from now and if I am do I get a steak dinner.
He laughed and said Lady if your alive in a year yes I will buy you a steak dinner.
Then shortly after being diagnosed it happened for the last time, well not the last time as I am still here but the last time I was declared dead. This time was what I Call the aha moment.
I was almost excited this time as my body was closing down, I knew the routine, I was going home,
and I knew how it was going to go.
This time I went faster to where I needed to be, I remember someone asking me if there was anything I had wanted to still accomplish on earth. I said I wanted to help those people, I wanted to see my girls graduate high school, maybe get married. Then I said that I wanted to "fall in love again the way I did when I met "Scott" and the next thing I knew there he was, looking as he did when he passed only happy and healthy. I remember wanting to run to him, to hug him, he stopped me.
He said I needed to return, that it was what I had agreed to do. I remember just being happy wanting to stay with him. He said that I was going to be happy again, I was going to fall in love again.
When I asked him how would I know he said because you will feel the same way you did when we
met and I remember begging him to stay.
He spoke to me that this would be my last time returning, that the next time I came I would stay.
but that he would not be the man I spent forever with.
We never married, so I thought it was because of that, he said "Come on Jill you know better" if we were supposed to be together forever the Lord would make it so.
He said that I should live every day to be the kind of woman that the right man would want, not just
for now, but forever.
Then he said I could stay, but because it was not my time, If I did again I would have to explain to all those people why I did not help them. And then he mentioned my children, and suddenly I have never wanted anything more then to be with them. He said goodbye, and said remember Jill be the kind of woman the right man will want. There was more said but it was between us, there was so many other things said and other conversations with other people but I am going to refrain for now.
Coming back the last time was different, I was so sad, depressed almost returning. I was so happy I saw Scott, but I also felt the pain of leaving the peaceful, calming, loving place and then coming back to trials, painful, and hard.
This last time was the changing of my life forever, I first of all asked my Heavenly Father every day to
help me, that if I had wronged someone please help me remember them one by one so I could at least
try and ask for forgiveness. Ok I think I actually said "Bring it On" because I knew when I died for the last time I wanted the least amount of thing on my mind as possible.
This began the purge as I call it, the time that I started remembering people I had wronged, things I had forgotten, no matter how small, I started finding people and saying I was sorry.
Some did not remember and were gracious and gave me forgiveness. Some laughed and said really? It was just something small, they immediately said let it go.
Others listened and said it was forgotten but my price was I will never be close to them again.
I had done all I could though, then there were the ones who said they would forgive but never forget.
And they could not tell me they forgave me, that they were hurt and the damage was done.
These were things perhaps small to some of you, but if they were in my heart, if God helped me remember they meant something. I believe the hardest part of this of all was my family.
Some relatives have thought things that are just ridiculous, some are blown out of proportion, and some things were my business, maybe not right but if I made it right with my Heavenly Father then it was
remembered no more and I had not hurt anyone, so whatever it was was private.
Some relatives thought I lied about being raped, my response is I would rather them think I was lying
then for them to believe the truth because it was too ugly. And I was not going to go back in time to convince them that the most horrendous thing really happened.
That moment changed my life, it was the spring board to me making bad decisions for years after that.
It is not anyone else's fault, it just was. I learned that I needed to forgive myself, that it was not my fault.
I have asked for forgiveness, I have begged people to allow me in their lives, but now I am okay.
I have learned that the things that happened so long ago, and I put it in my past. I also knew that
I would not spend my life reliving it, I would not keep going over things I had made right.
I also learned I could heal, I learned that our Heavenly Father gives you peace, and now I pray for those who wronged me, because I know when they have to answer for the past it will be horrid.
God will make it right, its in his court now not mine.
I only bring this up because at a family funeral recently I had someone ask me if I had changed my ways yet, it I was finally done screwing up. I responded with I do not know whatever it is you think
I did, but I would rather have you ask me point blank if I did something then to assume or imagine
who you think I am. Then I followed it up with would you want me putting your life under a microscope? I also told them I loved them, I told them that I forgave them and that perhaps they needed to ask God if it was their place to judge me. And I wish we knew each other for who we both were.
I also had people who had not been in my life for years who approached me, hugged me, and nothing needed to be said other then "I missed you, and am glad your back in my life"
Over my life just when I think things could not get worse, I have a moment of grace.
My beloved mother and I made peace, we shared things and I feel as if I have my sweet mother
in my life as never before. We are close and it brings me such closure. I know my father is happy, I know this is what he wanted. Our heavenly father knows how strong we are, he knows what are talents are, and what are weakness's are.
I am fighting to get my website back up, my company restarted so I can go back to doing what I was meant to still be doing. I miss doing genealogy, I miss doing probate, estate, I miss doing adoption reunions, missing people, I miss being me.
I see the pieces coming together, I see my strength building every day. My youngest 2 daughters graduated, one was married and had a beautiful baby girl, I feel strongly every day the pull to do what I promised to do.
Now if I were to ever whisper bring it on again it would be in the context of peace, happiness, closure.
Struggles define us, challenges shape us, trials mold us, and love heals us....(Jill F Bailey Quote)
I have done 9,987 cases I cant wait to get to the 10,000 case maybe have a party to celebrate.
I answer to only 2 people, myself and my heavenly father, every night in the mirror I tell him I tried today maybe I did not do as good as I should have, or I say hey I feel like I did really well today.
Every morning I let him know my mouth your words, if I am needed today then let me meet the people I am meant to meet.
I know it all may sound silly, go with the oxygen deprivation theory, but I was sent back with gifts
that have been proven to not be my "Craziness" and I was blessed to meet those who I was there at the right time to help, I always learn more from them then they could learn from me.
When I finally die the last time I hope my life motto will be on my headstone,
"Your never beat until you quit, I did not quit, I just changed course" (Jill F Bailey Quote)
More later
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