Passionate About Life, Love, And Getting Better...

The cool crisp night air takes my breath away for a moment, and I stop and pull a sweater around my shoulders laughing as I look down and think about my toes in my sandals. I always was a bit backwards,running barefoot in a snowstorm wearing mittens. I believe I wanted to feel protected while taking a daring step out into the world. Today I fell down, harder then before. Alot of tears, alot of really not liking who I am when I struggle to feel safe while still stepping into the adventure. We do not always hear what it is we need to, we may not always like it. But life has a way of giving us not always what we want, not always what we need, but what is needed. Sometimes what is needed is to take our breath away, and then just breath in again. Sometimes what is needed is a redirect or in my situation a stern warning about wearing boots, a coat, protection. When my fathers arms could not protect me or my mothers warm arms it was a coat, boats, mittens, or sometimes...they just let me learn that snow was really cold, that going too fast out of control ends up with skinned knees, a few tears. I looked around today, not wanting to give away my fear, my pain, my frustration, and yet that is all I was able to give. Not the best sides of myself, not the me who can make my grandbaby Harper laugh by doing Yodas voice.Not the me who loves to dance in the dark late at night when life is too hard playing out the pain, the release and rebirth through songs, played sometimes over and over again till I find my tears are dried. But the me who cried, got mad, and mumbled alot to some caring people who listened. tried to feed me, give me hugs, and put my mind back on planet earth and not self absorbed into the pain, darkness To be honest I wanted for one day to just have a good day, not much, just have something go my way and really be grateful. Instead I found myself sitting by 2 mens graves who I love telling them how much I wish they were here, to hold me, make the world back up and to be able to laugh and eat blueberries. I wanted my father to wrap me in his arms, let me cry, then say calmly There girl did you get the pain out? When its out let me know we will take a deep breath and let the good replace it. Hmm I needed that dad, thanks, 35 years later but thanks. Scott would raise his eyes and give a look of disappointment, he would tell me exactly what I felt when I was standing there crying on his stone. He would say hey bright eyes isnt there a man you need to call? Didnt he make you laugh? Didnt he make you smile? I would nod yes, then he would say well then why are you here. Turn to him, let him for a moment give you the ear, the hug, the moment you need before you find the strength to regroup. Funny how I felt leaving them both there that neither would have been too thrilled I went there for comfort.They both would let me know as my father said in his own way "Do you want to deny them their lessons, blessings by not letting them be there for you??" I am sorry Cashlyn, I should have laughed more with Harper, talked about my "boys" who can take my pain away for just a moment by being cute and singing great ha ha. I am sorry MW for not allowing you the opportunity to choose what you wanted to do...then I called you and you said eerily on the right track..."Dont turn away those who are there for you" I was always too weak as a child crying too much, needed too many hugs, too many kisses, nothing has changed. Its what makes me passionate. I feel deeply, pain, love, fear, laughter and am fierce to protect those I care about. TS wish we would had some conversations in high school like we have had, its my turn to repay the ear. I am wanting needing all I can fit into whatever is left of this old life of mine. I want to love more then have so much it takes someones breath away, I want to laugh so much I feel the joy creep back in. I want to pick up a blueberry simple, sweet, and enjoy those moments. I want to teach everyone in my life what a purple rose kind of love is and why you should never settle for anything but purple. And I want to find songs that the words describe everyone I have ever or will ever love. That when I am gone my children, grandchildren and beyond will only have to listen to a song or two to know what I thought, or felt or why I loved or lost them. Challenges await me, I wanted to hold them close to my heart where I could feel the pain, the challenges alone, to protect those I care about. But I guess I will learn to quit sharing unimportant things and share the most important. Like why Hell and High Water by T Graham Brown has always been and always will be my anthem. Love isnt about holding on, it never has been, its about just loving them, if you get a month, a year, 30 or more or one day. Its leaving them feeling so overwhelmed by the way they felt with you they pass that on to others. Feel the moment, love the person who isnt under our feet, but who can answer the door, the phone.. on that note...To my best friend in heaven Nicholas Teerlink, You said to me not long before you went home " Hey girl, your holding on too tight,to the wrong things, your letting the most important things you have ever known fall away and you dont even know it. Take a deep breath kid, and dont exhale again until he holds you tight for the first time looks you in the eyes and your heart beats again.. On that note..well read the last part again